Jump on a Cross and Die

from Dork

The apostles were just ad men with marketing savvy
They knew their demographics, they knew what made the people happy
Monotheism's cool and all, but we need to make the heathens identify
With someone who's not afraid to jump on a cross and die

Well, one of 'em said what about that Jesus fellow a few years back
With the right P.R. he could still make a pretty big impact
It really ain't important what he did or said
Just like Johnny Bravo that he fit the threads
Well those ad men went home that night and took off their coats and ties
And concocted the greatest story ever told in their lives
Came back to the board room and preached the gospel
Luke told bout the time that Jesus took him to the hospital
Mathew spoke of a manger, wisemen, frankincense and myrrh
One of them said lets make Mary just a surrogate mother
They told of that time at the temple when he was ranting bout his dad upstairs
Slowly they noticed Jesus' name getting in the prayers


Well, just a little later Rome was filing chapter 11
When Constantine in 3 sixteen said what's all this about going to heaven
Later that same afternoon the Roman empire struck back with a decree
From here on out without a doubt it's Christianity
Well Christians everywhere felt that they had pulled a coup
They'd no longer sell out the colosseum just to end up lion food
They had finally established a foothold in the Roman empire
But soon Atilla sacked the joint and lit their church on fire
When the smoke cleared just like I feared the ages sure were dark
Monks in robes used to sing about him like he was from Asbury Park
While witches, Jews and heretics were in a terrible position
They didn't check cause no one expects the Spanish Inquisition


Well the renaissance meant kinder gentler Christians for sure
They traded in their crusader hats for paintbrushes by the score
Books were wrote and Steve Guttenberg made copies of the wisdom
Martin Luther had a hit with a little dance he called the schism
Now Catholics got that fucker nailed up in effigy
His most humiliating moment for everyone to see
It was so long ago that no one knows if it's truth or if it's lies
Only that the story has become a most successful franchise
Money, power, fame and every cent of it tax free
It's amazing what folks wont give to dig a little eternity
Now we've evolved to brag about out thumbs and big brain cases
But it's amazing how strong it seems the need for blind faith is


one more time and then jump around like a fucking spaz and then back to the hotel room with 2 underage girls