Amy & Ani

from Folk Remedy

Amy and Ani came to a gig one night
Of course they both wanted me of course there was a fight
Amy said, "hes mine its gotta be Gods will"
Ani dorked her in the head and said, "Jesus, bitch, chill"
My set of course was flawless, to be honest I was great
I had my pick of all the groupie chicks, though most were underage

I walked back to the deli tray to get a little ham
Ani tugged my sleeve and said, "hey, you wanna jam"
Amy said "jam... heck I made you preserves"
I was hungry, I was brilliant, this I richly deserved

Now it's 3 hrs later Ani rolled up a spliff
Amy almost hit the roof when she got a whiff
"Hey thats against the law, this aint funny as a joke"
Then she giggled like a school girl and took a mighty toke

When I finally came to there was a pounding in my head
I could not at all recall if theres a pounding in my bed
There were two notes on the pillows and two wet spots on the sheets
One note said Is savage, one note said I was sweet

Well the very next night Im back behind the mike
I glance out in the pit it's only moshin not a fight
Brenda freakin Kahn slams into Dylan with a pop
John Prine and Wesley Harding in the corner talking shop
I looked at Loudon loudly laughin leanin lerchin of his chair
In the bathroom Tom Waits was puttin tonic in his hair
Leonard Cohen was there with three girls from Catholic school
I had met them in Toronto in Leonard's indoor pool
Mojo Nixon by the bar, drunk and talking crass
He took a kick right to his nads when he grabbed Liz Phairs ass
His head snapped back like he was made of giant pez
So he went and copped a feel offa Joan Baez

I didnt know what to play next, dammit I was stuck
Then Dylan starts chantin "Jesus owes me 50 bucks"
Then everyone joins in every rockin boy and girl
As I looked out on the crowd it was like we are the fuckin world... cept no Dan Akroyd
I looked at the tip jar, it was filled up to the rim
Chuck Berry tossin in a 5 wearing a shit eatin grin

Gayly gulpin coffee i saw Flanders and Linnelle
Agreein with Tom Leherer bout how deep my brilliance well
Magnificent Michael Stipe bought Brian Adams a beer
I frankly dont know what the fuck they were doing here

I gave all I could give until I couldnt give no more
I mustve done about a half a dozen encores
Then I looked into the wings rememberin what it's all about
It hit me like a whisper and it hit me like a shout
Ani on stage left and Amy standin on stage right
Amys wearing something loose, and Anis wearing something tight
So with one on each arm, I headed back to the bus
And gave my axe to Howard, hes a roadie I could trust

I could hear my heroes holler as their limos sucked them in
But then a tongue in each ear quieted that din
Thats the way that it went down I swear it happened just like that
But if you bump into those ladies keep it underneath your hat
Its not that Im afraid that you might catch me in a lie
Its just that Im not comfortable being a name dropping guy